The music of my life

This is going to be a tour of the music that has defined parts of my life. As I sit writing this I don’t know how long it’s going to be. But I’m going to try. It’s going to be sorted into four stages of my life – childhood, early teenage years, late teenage years, and adulthood. Within the stage though there won’t be much chronology. Every song has a legitimate youtube video available. And where possible they’re also in the Spotify playlist. With one exception.

The Early Years

Peter and the Wolf – Sergei Prokofiev

I adored this as child. Part music part narrated music educational tool I’m not sure it belongs on this list, but I have such a resonance to it, as my parents had it on LP and I’d play this quite frequently.

Yellow Submarine – The Beatles

Really strong memories as a child of playing this on my parents stereo, a fantastic adventure taking me away from home.

When I’m 64 – The Beatles

This one reminds me of trying to learn to play it on Piano, and those years I spent learning to play…. mostly not getting good enough to be able to play much in the way of popular music.

Yesterday – The Beatles

Ok this is the last Beatles one. But this one has always always filled me with intense emotions. Longing for a simpler time before I had troubles. Even from a young age I was pining for simpler happier days.

Imagine – John Lennon

Ok so John Lennon solo isn’t The Beatles. Ok. Again though, it resonated with me from such a young age, hoping and longing for a time when everyone would be happy and just get along.

Don’t Look Back In Anger – Oasis

This song has an incredibly intense association with a pub in Happisburgh, Norfolk called The Hill House. They had, separate to the main pub a sort of converted barn that was a pool/games room. Had a separate bar available that was open for events but was usually shut. Anyway I associate this song so so strongly with that place because one time it was on the jukebox there and it’s just stuck with me ever since. It probably also helps that there’s a name connection in my head between this song and a family member.

Wild Rover – The Dubliners

Ok so this one I don’t recall as The Dubliners exactly. But I have a super strong memory of being with my parents at a pub called The Star Inn in Lessingham, Norfolk listening to a local band called The Cromer Smugglers – Folk and Sea Shanties were their repertoire. And this one was guaranteed to get the pub singing along. I banged the tables to hard during this song. It never fails to take me back to those nights in the pub with them playing.

Millenium – Robbie Williams

This takes me back, unsurprisingly to the turn of the millennium. I actually don’t like this song. But it always makes me think of the millennium, my visit to The Millennium Dome (as it will always be known to me) and so it makes this list… begrudgingly.

Angels – Robbie Williams

I loved this song. I wanted, needed what it promised. It still brings a tear to my eye, the feelings that it makes me remember from back in my childhood.

House of the Rising Sun – The Animals

The feeling of being ruined or broken, that resonated with me so much back then… and it still kinda does.

Barbie Girl – Aqua

I always loved this song, a severe guilty pleasure. Is it cheesy? Yes. Do I care? No. Enough said.

Complicated – Avril Lavigne

A song about frustrations, and things just aren’t working out, relationship wise. Like many of the songs here I still remember all the words.

Sk8er Boi – Avril Lavigne

This one tapped into my feelings about how unfair it felt, at the time, when I had no luck on relationships, and hoping that they would recognise that they’d picked the wrong person at some point.

Agadoo – Black Lace

Ah, middle school discos. I never did learn why we had to push pineapple to shake that tree! This always takes me back there. There were quite a few candidates from this band tbh but I think Agadoo has the strongest connection for me.

Girls & Boys – Blur

Girls who want boys who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they’re girls who do girls like they’re boys
Always should be someone you really love

Need I say more?

Heaven (Candlelight Mix) – DJ Sammy

This song. I was browsing the internet one day, some time after 9/11. And I came across a 9/11 memorial video that used this as its background music. That packed one hell of a punch that is still with me to this day.

Space Oddity – David Bowie

The legend. This song makes me long so much for space. For the escape it provides. And whilst I know it all goes wrong in the song, it’s still beautiful. And I think this song might be part of what inspired my interest in space travel

And I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues

Another song that takes me right back to a pub, and this time…. karaoke. I love everything about this song. Belting the words out at the top of my lungs (when not doing karaoke anyway).

Your Song – Elton John

Another song of Elton’s that takes me back to a similar time frame with again suppressed crushes and feelings and trying to let them out through this song.

Earth Song – Michael Jackson

My parents had the music video for this and I watched it so many times. The pain the earth is going through that it shows. Oof.

Danse Macabre – Camille Saint-Saëns

This wonderful wonderful tune always reminds me of Jonathon Creek and his windmill – what with it being the theme tune. Always puts me in the mood to watch an episode. Maybe the one with the painting in the locked room.

The Early Teenage Years

Where Is The Love – Black Eyed Peas

Particularly in my earlier years of this section, I felt this song really hit home about a lot of the problems in the world. Too much hate, selfishness and uncontrolled anger.

Lambada – Kaoma

Given my old username on several sites it’s probably a surprise to no-one that this made the list. It introduced an old late night (I think maybe the 1am slot?) talk show spot on Talk Radio (Which became Talk Sport). Mike Mendoza show was, I think, the presenter who used this as his intro music at some point. And it’s stuck with me ever since. And dear lord I wish I could dance like this!

Wonderwall – Oasis

Again an emotional connection to a particular memory. I loved this song from childhood. But it’s most associated with a throw away comment my Graphics Design teacher in high school made as a mockery of liking Oasis. It was meant in jest, but it stuck with me.

Nightswimming – R.E.M.

Nightswimming has both an emotional and physical connection. It’s my longing for the water. For peace. For tranquility that you only find I the dead of night. And the memory is of the only time I went swimming in my parents pool at night. It wasn’t peaceful – such was the nature of having guests over and the adults having had a lot to drink. We actually ended up singing Bohemian Rhapsody loudly at stupid o’clock in the morning so that a neighbour came out and yelled at us. But. But but but. despite that, this is still a song I associate with that memory. It’s the emotion and longing to do it properly that make it though.

Man On The Moon – R.E.M.

Another song that reminds me strongly of this period of my life. No particular memory for this one though. Maybe it’s because of the idea of moon landing conspiracies. I was quite into conspiracies back then!

Flowers In The Window – Travis

A strong memory of singing this in the car at some point with mum. I also just find it a really upbeat song. The music video though…. that’s… something I didn’t see until. much later. Probably for the best….

How You Remind Me – Nickelback

Another strong memory of singing this one in the car with mum. Windows down. Just singing to let the frustration out.

El Tango De Roxanne – Moulin Rouge

I was obsessed with this song, and still really really love it. The scene from the movie is also fantastically shot and staged. I remember distinctly listening to this on the way to school sometimes. The pain of having an unrequited crush.

Garçon – Koxie

I came across this song originally because a friend asked me to find it for her, and naturally I gave it a listen. I don’t speak French and certainly not well enough to understand it unaided, but when I looked up the lyrics it stuck with me – a woman basically speaking out at street/sexual harassment, which combined with the beats are some I’ve never forgotten. IT also helps that it reminds me of that friend.

Thank You – Dido

Again this song resonated with my so much when I was in high school. I’d be singing it to myself a lot. I can still feel the bleakness of the mornings and wanting the hope of someone making it worth it. Wishing for someone to call me.

White Flag – Dido

Another Dido one. A song I can remember belting out with my mum, usually changing the word ship to shit. Another one I’d sing to myself all the time at school due to the hidden unrequited crushes I had in my time there.

Life for Rent – Dido

I never really found a place that I call home. Oooof. Again a strong emotional resonance for me from back in this time. Not really feeling like I belonged anywhere.

Beautiful – Christina Aguilera

This song just… it hurts to hear. The video is so painful. I cannot overstate how much this song hits me right in the gut. And the song is still true. “every day is so wonderful. Then suddenly. It’s hard to breathe”. Just. Relatable. It also wasn’t until many many years later I realised just how LGBT focussed this video was (and including outcasts from society generally). And this was in 2002. How things might have been if I’d woken up then instead of burying things. Smash that fucking mirror.

Cleanin’ Out My Closet – Eminem

Being discriminated against. Never meaning to hurt the parents. Just. Emotions and feels. One of the few ‘rap’ songs I used to be able to sing all the way through. Maybe I still could.

Family Portrait – Pink

In our Family Portrait, we look pretty happy. This… this felt like my life. Pretty much every single line of it.

Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2) – Pink Floyd

This always reminds me of a story my mum told me about when she was teaching at a school for children with special needs, and they used this song in a school play. Bit of a controversial choice I’m sure. Also the video in the full film is haunting with the faceless children and the meat grinder. The official video I’ve found is, unfortunately less haunting, but still, it’s the song that makes me remember that anecdote.

All The Things She Said – t.A.T.u.

I have always had a habit of not being able to shift things out of my head – words said or heard. Actions taken or not taken. And this song just is that in music form.

Mid / Late Teenage Years

Every Time We Touch – Cascada

This I associate with Sixth Form College, and the very final years of High School. When I finally started finding a stable long term group of friends… up until we split ways to go to university any way.

Fascination – Alphabeat

Again I associate this one with the late period of High School, where I had finally found friends. I don’t think there’s a particular reason this one is associated with those feelings beyond just the time. But that’s enouhg of a reason I think to be included.

We Didn’t Start The Fire

I first heard this song during my Graphics Design course at High School. The teacher (yes, the same one from earlier) had us make a music video for this song by selecting editing and curating graphics from various sources. That was my introduction to this, and I loved the song immediately and still do.

Comfort Eagle – CAKE

A manifesto of sorts about the fairness of not only the music industry, but also in a way capitalism. To resist it is useless. To quote the song.

Suburban Knights – Hi-Fi

This takes me immediately back to the Sixth Form College discos we’d have at a local club we’d rent out. First place I heard this was on the dance floor with friends.

Living For The Weekend – Hard-Fi

As above. It takes me straight back to that place and time.

Rooftops – Lostprophets

Standing on the rooftops. Everybody scream your heart out. I used to want to do that. Sometimes I still do. This song is for those times. (Just a shame about the singer making me feel guilty for liking it)

Everybody Hurts – R.E.M.

This song. Oh god this song. It resonates down in my very core being. And the music video never fails to make me weep. Whenever things are bad this is one of my go to songs.

Stars Over Cloughanover – The Saw Doctors

This song just makes me want to go walking at night in the country, aimlessly. Escaping away from everywhere. Other people moving on to different things, but myself feeling comfortable where I am. That’s what I wanted. That’s what this song gave me. That’s something I still want to do

Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol

This song reminds me in particular of one crush I had. Just wanting to lay down with them looking up at the stars forgetting everything that’s wrong.

Tequila Boom Boom (Casamañana) – Los Del Rio

This is another song a friend introduced me to when she asked me to find it for her. And it’s been in my library ever since, reminding me of that friendship.

Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen

This song has one very very specific memory. English class, during GCSEs. The teacher was late. Myself and some friends did a one-line-each version of this whilst we were waiting. The teacher walked in just as I got to “I’m a sex machine ready to explode”….. it was funny at the time!

Destination Calabria – Alex Gaudino feat. Crystal Waters

Year 10. House Party. I was hosting for a friends birthday party. No parents. Just me, the dog, and lots of people and alcohol. I’d been up all night. It was silly o clock in the morning. I was in a stupor. The TV was on the music channels. And this came on.

It also has an association with a head shop called Ali Bongo that was, for a time at Snetterton Market and would often play it, but now as far as I know, only has their Norwich shop. Used to buy some good intense sticks and burners from there.

(Warning this is the explicit version of the video)

Don’t Dream It Be It – Rocky Horror (Picture) Show

The final soundtrack piece here. Honestly the entire floorshow, or even play/movie could be on here, but this is the most important bit from an emotional perspective. I remember seeing this for the first time watching it and just….. this is the point where I fell in love. Don’t dream it. Be it. (For those uing Spotify this song starts at 2:45. The soundtrack is cut illogically up 🙁 )

Sex On Fire – Kings Of Leon

This takes me back to Freshers Week, for the simple reason that I heard it So. Goddamn. Much.

Adulthood

All Day – Girl Talk

I can’t remember exactly when I heard this for the first time, but I’m 99% certain it was something that the YouTuber CGP Grey mentioned maybe on one of the podcasts he does. And it. Blew. My. Freaking. Mind. (For whatever reason this isn’t on spotify)

Viva La Vida – Coldplay

This takes me back to my sixth form days. I love the sound it’s just…. a beautiful production and every time I hear it I can feel those sixth form years coming back to me. I think the religious references also help it to resonate with the as whilst I don’t consider myself to be religious I’ve always had a fascination with religion.

Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of These) – Eurythmics

What’s not to love about this song? Everybody’s looking for something. Words that have resonated with me for a long time.

Well, that’s it. That’s the music of my life. There’s plenty I want to include – more soundtracks, more Queen… but I think these are the ones with the biggest emotional impact or the biggest link to the past. Thanks for going through this journey!

Lock

Sitting inside, the rain is pounding on the windows a slight chill in the air. The drumbeat is soothing, in a way. The glare from the lights and tv artificially brightens the otherwise dark room.

The door is locked. The chain is drawn. When did it last open? Time is blending, hours and even days becoming meaningless. I’m waiting. Restless.

The door doesn’t unlock. The drumming of the rain continues. Nothing ends.

In… 2… 3… 4…

Eyes closed, resting not scrunched. Breathe in….. 2… 3… 4….. Breathe out…. 2…. 3…. 4…

Focus on the physical. The feel of what you’re sitting on. The clothing you’re wearing. What smells there are. The noises around you.

Inwards.

In… 2…3…4…. Out… 2…3…4….

Move from the physical, to focus on the heart, beating in your chest. Breathe in time to the beats. Focus on the stomach, and any rumblings inside it. Feel the tension in your muscles. There will be some somewhere, there always is.

Darkness.

Your breathing will still be slow. Don’t check. That’s physical, and we left that behind long ago.

Move on from the body and focus on the darkness….

Reach in to it. And as you go in to it…. the expanse it contained opens up to you. Infinite. Darkness. Nothingness.

Peace.

Thunder

The office is stuffy and stale. The end of a working week filled with people and laptops, and the heat from a warm week. You pick up your bag and start walking to the exit. Down the quiet, but still warm, stairwell. Through the door.

Outside.

The sky is grey, constant with many clouds. Or maybe it’s just one cloud. The air is thick with moisture. The clouds full. You can smell it in the air.

You walk to your car. The birds are chirping to one another. Warning one another.

You enter the car, slinging your bag onto the passenger seat. The birds are now silent. Starting the car, a long low rumble of thunder begins. You pull out and the first raindrops start hitting your windshield.

As you drive away the rain intensifies. The thunder keeps rolling on. The sky lights up.

You drive onwards, into the rain. Into the lightning. Into the thunder.

You are free.

A walk at night

Inspired by ‘Stars over Cloughanover‘ by The Saw Doctors. A song from. my past that came into my head tonight, and it’s. still just as excellent as I remember.

I say goodbye in the door of their house. The sun set a long time ago, and the stars are scattered like dust across the sky. There’s a full moon too, behind me as I walk. I walk down along the track, fields stretching out to either side. There’s the sound of my footsteps on the dirt, loosely compressed through light usage. The occasional sound of some nocturnal animals, badgers maybe. In. the open, quiet space it’s easy to pinpoint where they are, off to my right. It was drizzling earlier. Only lightly, but enough to leave everything smelling fresh now.

I amble slowly along the tracks that lead me home. To my left, the faint outline of the ruins rise up. I turn towards them and walk. There’s something. mystical about the stones here, they almost seem to be glowing. Approaching the first stone on. the ground I pause and I lay. on it, legs just reaching off the edge, bathed in. the light of the moon and the stars.

I stare up at the black sky. The stars thrown across it. The moon hung up in the air.

And I exist. I am.

Renovation

A country lane. An iron-wrought gate. It opens automatically. The car silently glides up the winding drive. A turning circle in front. The car stops. I emerge.

Walking forwards. The doors open, and I enter. The high-ceilinged entry hallway is bathed in light streaming through the high windows above. This is an old house. Hidden passages, though you wouldn’t know it without a careful eye. Wood panelled walls. A library. Several living rooms. A conservatory, a large kitchen to name just a few. The pipes rattle as you draw a bath. That kind of house. A house, with character. With a presence. Even standing there now I can feel the house. It’s looking at me, and sizing me up, as much as I am looking at it.

I didn’t have much stuff to move from my old place. Mostly books and clothes. A minimal amount of furniture. And whilst I could tell that the house wouldn’t have a problem with books being housed inside its walls, it might not be quite as happy with having a refit of its electrics and plumbing.

When you end up owning a house like this, you have to negotiate with the house itself as much as with the seller. If the house doesn’t like you then you’ll have a hard time changing it. Sometimes it will want to change, but other times, like now, a house might be resistant to being brought into modern times. And when a house is in that kind of mood you might suddenly encounter unexpected issues whilst renovating. Issues that would cost a fortune to try fixing, only for them to recur again and again. Damp. Subsidence. Rotting roof beams.

It’s funny how people say that objects sometimes have a mind of their own. They never realise how close they are to the truth. But every saying has to start somewhere with some truth to it.

I know that to renovate this place for the modern era I’m going to need to first get to know the house. So I set about living in her, as she is used to being lived in. I fill her with books. I work around the limited electric points and make do with using logs fires for heating. I get to know her quirks and explore her passages.

Eventually I feel I’ve gotten to know her. And so I start doing some re-wiring. Stripping her down slowly. one room at a time, where possible. I know she likes her period fittings, so I’m careful that new sockets will keep to the existing style, even if there are now far more of them. By the end of this her electrics will be far more suited to our modern needs.

The hot water and heating system proves more of a challenge. She is reluctant to let go of the traditional wood fireplaces, and no amount of experimenting seems to go without resistance. problems continuously occur, as I feared. Eventually, having realised we are at an impasse, I decide to communicate directly with the house. Usually this isn’t necessary, in fact although it’s documented and taught how to perform this rite; there is no record of it having been performed in living memory.

Having found its core whilst first exploring and getting to know the house, I begin the preparations. Runes are sketched on the floor of the library in the middle of the house. Circles. are inscribed, and herbs are prepared.

The following evening, just as the moon is rising I perform the. ceremony, summoning the house to take on a form I can directly communicate with. As I complete the summoning and open my eyes, a fox is there. to greet me.

The fox tilted its head to one side and I blink.
“Not what you expected?” the fox asks from behind a grin.
“Not… exactly,” I stumble out “I expected a more human appearance”.
Bother. This was going to be more difficult than I expected. There’s a reason the saying is that someone is as sly as a fox.

War

At Southampton Cenotaph I stand. Busses hiss as they travel past. Cars rev their engines waiting for the nearby traffic lights to turn green. The wind is clean, for a city. I stand, looking on this winter day. The sun illuminating one side of the monument.

To either side are glass panels, engraved with the names of the dead. From the Great War. From the Second World War. From the Korean War and the Mau Mau Upraising. From the Malayan Emergency. So many names. So many. Some from conflicts I’d never heard of.

“Our Glorious Dead” proclaims one inscription on the Cenotaph. Perhaps they are glorious, but War is not. War is bloody. War is violence. War is not glorious.

I stand there, and away fades the present, as I picture how they might have died. Cold and scared in the trenches. Screaming as their plane went down. In a Prisoner of War camp.

One can’t help but wonder. Are we glorifying war? “Lest we forget” we proclaim once a year on one day. And the other 364 days we pay it no mind. The simple poppy has itself become a battleground. It almost seems to have become a contest in itself, a contest to see who can be the most sad and the most respectful of deaths. It’s keeping up with the Jones’s for remembrance day. There are ways to respect the dead, privately and without fuss, without being loud and visible in wearing a symbol. But public remembrance has its place too. I am conflicted.

Is there a way to respect and remember the dead and the sacrifices they made without glorifying the conflict itself? Was there even any other way to end the conflicts, without resorting to war?

War has changed these days too. Now there are drones, and missiles launched from afar. How are we to remember future wars, when we aren’t likely to have so many familiar names to remember, but will likely have far more foreign names to remember?

Leaf

Sun shines
Birds call
Squirrels run and trees rustle

We lay
Leaves fall
One lands right upon your nose

You sneeze
I smile
The world sighs and it is right

Travel

A winding country lane. You know the sort. Hedgerows on either side. Bendy and narrow, miles and miles from anywhere and definitely no streetlights in sight. No artificial lights at all…. except for your headlights.

You’re playing music over Bluetooth from your phone. There’s no mobile signal here. Let alone any data. Spotify is out, you’re relying on what you have stored locally.

Sure, you could put the radio on but then you’d be connected. You’d know you’re still in the world. You need to just be alone for a while.

Driving down these unnamed country roads, occasionally passing a farm where the lights are off. If anyone is there they’re fast asleep at this time.

You find this relaxing. It’s just you and the car. No signs of modern civilisation. The stars are clear and the moon is full. What more do you need.

You’ve been driving for hours now, you start to wonder if you’ve switched to a different universe, because anything at all could be happening. It’s a pure escape.

A glow on the horizon. A city is now on the horizon. You sigh. Streetlights. Cars. People. You switch back to the radio. You wonder when you’ll find time to do it again.

Silence in a storm

Inspired by The Sound of Silence – Simon & Garfunkel

I stood. Looking down upon the streets, as hundreds walked past. I could see the blue of a phone screen infront of them or, if not that then headphones. There was sun. There was silence.

There was noise. Birds chirping, people talking or laughing. But noise was all it was. The sounds didn’t matter to anyone but the one making them. There was silence.

Clouds darkened the sky, and still the people walked unseeing, uncaring of what was happening all about them. The silence continued. The skies opened and rain comes pouring down. Thunder crashes and lightning flashes. Still the silence reigns. No-one caring, except that now the people are carrying umbrellas, or wearing coats. Obscuring from on high the sight of the earbuds.

As a peal of thunder crashes I scream. The thunder fades, the scream fades. I scream again, without the thunder. And still the silence holds. I wonder if others are doing the same. I don’t look to find out.

I leave the roof, go down to the street. I put my headphones on, pull my hood up, and walk. The Silence was undisturbed.