Troubleshooting the Bluesky PDS (Personal Data Server)

Bluesky, one of the new Social Network contenders, recently made its first steps towards becoming properly federated with the launch of a self hosted option for the Personal Data Server. In other words, if you create an account on the PDS, all of your posts, media etc on Bluesky will ultimately be hosted on the PDS meaning that you, or another party you trust, hold the keys to your data. Migration of an existing account off bluesky servers and onto a PDS is possible, but currenly filled with so many disclaimers it’s probably not worth looking at in any serious manner yet.

It’s important to note that Bluesky themselves say that the PDS is not yet stable, and definitely not ready for prime time. That said, I set one up for a test account and from being in the Discord server for PDS admins (link on the main PDS github) it seems like there’s some common pain points if you’re doing something more complex that the automated installer can’t handle. Thus…. my troubleshooting guide.

I’m assuming you’ve already run through the setup guide on the repo and somethings gone wrong.

I suggest running through each section in turn, making sure each test works. For each domain I’ll be using as the PDS domain. Substitute your PDSes own domain. Example responses are cribbed from my live PDS, slightly adjusted to make it clear which parts will be different.

HTTPS Connectivity to XRPC

The PDS requires that the following traffic is forwarded to it. These calls can be tried in your web browser of choice.

  1. Call

This call should return some simple JSON showing the version of the PDS code you are running, e.g. {"version":"0.4.12"}

If this call fails with an HTTPS error, then you need to double check that your TLS Certificate is valid your your PDS domain such as

If this call fails with a 503 error ro a similar 5xx error, then it is likely that your reverse proxy isn’t able to talk to your PDS application / container. Double check your reverse proxy configuration for how it’s talking to the PDS. For example it should be sending traffic to the PDS on port 3000.

If you get a 404 error, then check that your reverse proxy is correctly forwarding all /xrpc path traffic to the PDS.

Websocket Connectivity

The PDS requires that websocket connections are correctly Upgraded and forwarded by your reverse proxy. Not every reverse proxy handles this by default, and this seems to be a common pitfall for people going off the ‘golden path’ that the DPS documentation describes.

  1. Get yourself a websocket client. EG in a browser extnesion (I use, or a CLI client if you prefer.
  2. Issue a websocket call to wss:// this should result in an open websocket connection.

If you enocunter problems here you need to look up how to correctly handle websockets with your Reverse Proxy, e.g. using the information at for NGINX.

Request Federation at this point

At this point we’ve checked as much as we can config wise without an account on the PDS to test with. I would really recommend subimtting your federation request at this point and waiting for it to be approved, if you haven’t already. As the rest of the troubleshooting requires an account, and not being federated yet can lead to spurious problems as the bsky network will refuse to talk to your PDS properly.

Request a crawl at this point

Now that you are federated, you should request a crawl, especially if you were federated prior to finding this guide and you have fixed a problem.

  1. Use the pdsadmin request-crawl command. Or take a look at the commands source and manually craft the curl request to your instance

HTTPS Connectivity to your PDSs subdomains

To support accounts being created using the subdomain of your PDS – which is how all the bsky apps require you sto sign up right now, it is important that you are correctly able to handle requests to subdomains. We’ll be using a freshly created account here, to ensure that the actual contents should be valid.

  1. Create an account on your pds. eg with pdsadmin account create or, as above, look at the commands source and manually craft the curl request
  2. Visit and enter and check that it shows as being valid by the HTTP method. You can ignore the DNS method for this test.

If it shows a TLS error, then ensure that your reverse proxy has a TLS Certificate configured for * to be used on all subdomains of; or that it can get certificates for subdomains of on demand (such as caddy does)

If you are getting a 404 error then ensure the following is setup

  • traffic for * is being forwarded to the PDS
  • traffic for .well-known/atproto-did is being forwarded to the PDS

If you are still having problems try loading in your web browser yourself. You should receive back something like did:plc:abc123def456ghi789

One final test to close the loop on the account

One final test would be to call in your web browser, using the did that matches the account you made in the last step. This should return a JSON document containing a bunch of information about your did, including that the handle is

That’s all folks

That’s all I’ve got. By my understanding if everything I’ve described here is working then your PDS is properly working and you should be able to do anything you want through the bsky clients, including changing your handle. I’ll be keeping an eye on the PDS Admin discord, and may update this as I see other pain points that people going off the golden path hit, and ways to trobuleshoot them.

Installing remux and KOReader on the reMarkable 2 (2nd Edition)


This is a new edition of my original post for installing the above software. I first wrote it back in January, and since then the ecosystem has moved on. Whilst I didn’t intend for it to become a popular guide, it appears it has… and so here are a newer set of instructions.


These instructions worked when I wrote them. There is an active community on discord who can help, if problems are encountered, but no-one makes any guarantees about this software or this guide.


  1. The most important step is to check whether the version of the software you are on is supported by the community. Each release currently necessitates new configuration being discovered and documented.
    1. Go to your Settings Page, and note the software version you are currently on. e.g. 2.11.0442
    2. Open the Toltec website and check what the warning about supported versions says. e.g.
      • Warning: Toltec does not yet support any OS build newer than OS You will soft-brick your device if you install before support is released. See remarkable2-recovery for information on how to recover your device if you have done this.
    3. If your version is the most recent supported version, congratulations you can use Toltec with a minimum of fuss.
    4. If your version is older, you can attempt to update to the most recent supported version
      1. Press the version number shown on your settings page.
      2. Enable auto-updates, if they aren’t already.
      3. Press Check for updates and look at the version it starts to download.
      4. If it’s downloading a newer version than is supported by Toltec then immediately cancel the download by toggling auto-updates off. In this situation stick with your older software version until support is announced.
  2. At this point Disable automatic updates. You will want to re-enable automatic updates only once Toltec gains support for the newer versions. Keep an eye on the toltec website, or their GitHub repository, for new support statements.
  3. Obtain the ReMarkables IP Address and SSH Password
    • Menu > Settings > Help > Copyrights and Licenses > General Information > Look at the bottom
    • WRITE THE SSH PASSWORD DOWN SOMEWHERE SAFE. In case you can’t get back to this screen should something go wrong.
  4. SSH in.
    • ssh root@<ip> and provide the password
  5. (Optional) Setup an SSH Key to allow password-less SSH access.
    • This is useful as there have been reports of the SSH Password changing when the reMarkable software updates, but there has never been a report of the authorised SSH Keys for the root user being reset.
  6. Install Toltec package repository
    • Run the two commands from the website
  7. Install remux – a GUI launcher to switch between apps
    • opkg install remux
  8. Enable remux
    • systemctl enable --now remux
  9. Reboot the reMarkable
    • reboot
  10. Test that remux is working
    • Swipe up from the bottom of the ReMarkable 2. You should see a menu appear with one entry in it.
  11. Install koreader
    • opkg install koreader
  12. Test that koreader is working
    1. Swipe up from the bottom of the ReMarkable 2 and select koreader from the list
    2. In the app, swipe down from the top to access the KOReader menu.
      • Note you can’t read your ReMarkable documents in KOReader as even ePubs appear to be converted in to an incompatible format (inside /home/root/.local/share/remarkable/xochitl for the curious)
  13. Congratulations, you are done!

When a toltec update is available

  1. SSH back in as before
  2. Upgrade the packages
    • opkg update
    • opkg upgrade
  3. Reboot the device

When a reMarkable update is available

  1. Wait until the toltec website declares support for that version
  2. Reenable updates in the reMarkable software, and upgrade
  3. Restart the reMarkable
  4. SSH back in as usual
  5. toltecctl reenable
  6. systemctl enable --now remux
  7. Reboot the device

Nicer toltec package upgrades

  1. You can install the nao package manager to provide a visual way of managing toltec upgrades
    • opkg install nao
  2. You can now use the nao GUI to check for toltec upgrades and to install them. You should still reboot the device after upgrading. It shows up in remix just like KOReader does.

Running bleeding edge software

So you want to run reMarkable software ahead of the current version supported by Toltec? Doing so is outside the scope of this guide, but toltecctl switch-branch is a useful command for such situations. Be warned that the packages in testing may still not support newer reMarkable releases, and may have other problems.

Installing remux, KOReader on the ReMarkable 2


The ecosystem for third-party ReMarkable software has moved on a lot since I wrote this post originally. I’m working on a new guide that will hopefully be a lot more up-to-date. Various packages have been replaced and the toltec install method has changed.

I’d originally intended this to mostly be notes for myself to document what I’d did, but apparently various folks found it useful, so a new version is available here

The Original Post

I pre-ordered the ReMarkable 2 a long time ago, and now that I’ve had it for a few months, and have been very satisfied with it I took a look at the state of the hacking community that sealed the deal for me in the first place – ReMarkable provide out of the box SSH access.

After watching and monitoring several github issues for a while about reMarkable 2 support they eventually reached the point where I decided to give it a try, even if things weren’t going to work perfectly….. and it went totally smoothly!

Important caveats: A lot of this is still beta quality at best. This worked when I wrote it.

Here’s what I did

  1. Ensure you are up to date with reMarkable software
    – Menu > Settings > Software Version > Check for Updates (As of this post the latest is
  2. Obtain the ReMarkables IP Address and SSH Password
    – Menu > Settings > Help > Copyrights and Licenses > General Information > Look at the bottom
    – WRITE THE SSH PASSWORD DOWN SOMEWHERE SAFE. In case you can’t get back to this screen should something go wrong.
  3. SSH in.
    ssh root@<ip> and provide the password
  4. Install Toltec package repository
    – Run the three commands in the README
  5. Install rm2fb – A shim for the ReMarkable display
    opkg install rm2fb
  6. Install remux – a GUI launcher to switch between apps
    opkg install remux
  7. Enable remux
    systemctl enable --now remux
  8. Test that remux is working
    – Swipe up from the bottom of the ReMarkable 2. You should see a menu appear with one entry in it.
  9. Install koreader
    opkg install koreader
  10. Configure remux to know about koreader
    – Create a file /home/root/.config/draft/02-koreader with the following contents
    desc=Ebook reader
  11. Test that koreader is working
    – Swipe up from the bottom of the ReMarkable 2 and select koreader from the list.
    – For the app, use the ReMarkable pen to swipe down from the top to access the KOReader menu.
    – Note you can’t read your ReMarkable documents in KOReader as even ePubs appear to be converted in to an incompatible format (inside /home/root/.local/share/remarkable/xochitl for the curious)
  12. Congratulations, you are done!

Note that when a ReMarkable system update occurs you will likely need to re-run the systemctl enable --now remux command. I think this should be the only command needed to re-run, but I don’t have a system update to install to validate that.


It’s been mentioned to me privately that reMarkable software updates occasionally reset teh SSH password. For this reason it would be advisable to setup an SSH Key for the device, as there is apparently no known instance of the authorized_keys file being reset. Instructions to do this are out of scope, but are easily googleable as it works the same as any other device.

A final point was mentioned in the comments of this post which is that it might also be necessary to re-run /home/root/entware-reenable after a system update, just like you have to reru nthe remux enablement command.


Tap tap tap, go your fingers on the tabletop. Restless. That’s you. Mind whirling away, wide awake and spinning.

Your mouth opens and you let out a yawn. Tired. That’s also you. Needing sleep, needing peace.

You are both. You are a contradiction. Your mind telling you to go to sleep, to drift off and rest. Your mind shouting thoughts often connected by the barest of threads.

Cake. lie. Portal. Steam. Water. Boiling. Burning. Fire. Smoke. Breathe. Calm. Meditation. Hypnosis. Hype. Excitement. Dance. Sing. Music. Sounds. Mouth. Speech. Gender. Trans. Transatlantic. Plane. Train. Atlas Shrugged. Ayn Rand. Terry Goodkind.

On and on it goes. Never ending or beginning. Like an ever spinning wheel.

You lie there tired and wanting to sleep. But unable.


The sun is shining brightly, glaring down from the blue sky – barely a cloud in it. The breeze meanwhile, is cool. Not cold but just taking the edge off the heat from the sun burning high above. The salt in the air mixes with scent of the drying seaweed washed up slightly down the shore. In front of you though is dry sand, blending into the damp sand where the sea is slowly lapping before going out to a deep blue ocean with the sunlight scattering off it. The waves lapping are the only sound. No bird calls. No vehicles. No people. Just the waves.

I feel the sand, dry but firm under my feet… between my toes. My dress rippling in the breeze. I’m breathing slowly and close my eyes as I turn my face upwards towards the sun, comfortably warm. My hair is moving slightly in the breeze but otherwise hanging free. I curl my hands and feel the nail polish on my fingertips. I am barely breathing, peaceful.

The sun has moved, it is now dipping down into the sea. The warmth is fading fast, it’s almost cold. The light is fading too, clouds are rolling in dark and black. A storm is coming. I turn away, putting my back to the remaining light. I look back over my shoulder for one last look as the final bit of the sun finally goes out of sight beyond the horizon. I am tempted to follow, but I look forward again and walk up the beach. The sand slipping under my feet, back up and off the beach. Back to reality.


The riots happening in the US, due to the death of George Floyd, by the knee of police officers; and the public backlash the UK Government is facing over Dominic Cummings’ Durham/Barnard Castle excursion are more related than you might think at first glance.

The connection is power. Those who have it, and those who don’t.

The riots in the US began when three police officers attempted to arrest George, holding him to the ground and kneeling on him, on his neck specifically. The video footage makes his pleading that he can’t breathe clear. The police did not let up. They continued to hold him there. He then became unresponse, at which point the cops kept him there for another few minutes. He was dead. Murdered.

There is a long history in the US of unarmed black men being killed by the police. The community is hurting and under attack constantly. The statistics show this – in police suspicion, conviction rates and sentencing black people are disproportionatly likely to get longer and harsher treatment from the state. From the people with power.

This lead to riots. The community, frustrated at yet another needless death has taken to the streets, to protest, to riot. They took Martin Luther King Jr’s words to heart.

A riot is the language of the unheard, and what is it that America has failed to hear?

Martin Luther King Jr

The system has failed them. Systemically. They have no recourse. Previous attempts to bring justice, through the system, have occured only after similar levels of violence, and have resulted in the cops charged being acquitted. In the US it is incredibly difficult to bring charges against a police officer personally, or against the state for crimes commited by police.

Meanwhile, in the UK, where Dominic Cummings was reported, by two papers in a joint investigation, to have travelled 260 miles to Durham was initally met with silence by the government. As public anger grew, a statement was issued from number 10. Anger still grew. Dominic Cummings himself gave a statement, which included a justification for a 30 mile trip to Barnard Castle that many found unsatisfactory. The anger does not seem to be disappearing.

In the UK Dominic Cummings is a senior political advisor. We, the public, have no recourse to get him sacked from number ten. Unlike MPs there is no right to recall the MP to face a fresh election (and even for MPs that right is incredibly limited and thus hard to do). We are faced with a government with 4 and a half years left to run, with the Prime Minister’s right hand man perceived to be breaking the rules he himself helped to set and communicate to everyone about our covid 19 lockdown measures.

We have no power. The black people of America have no power.

Some on the Dominic Cummings situation say that they don’t have all the facts, that they can’t judge, that the calls were premature. To them I say that without the investigations from the press, without the public judging on the available evidence at the time that there were serious questions to be asked, we would not have got Cummings statement. We will never have 100% perfect knowledge of what happened or why here. You have to make a call on the available evidence. And, in the eyes of the public, that evidence means Cummigns should go. But we have no power to force it.

In the US, when reporting on the riots, a CNN team was arrested. The police claimed that they did not move when asked – except that the live on air video footage at the time shows them offering to move to wherever the police want. The reporter in this unit was black.

The main function of the press is to hold the government to account – to investigate, document and tell the truth to the public come hell or high water. That is a threat to those in power. The rule makers. And the rule enforcers.

It’s not surprising, when you look at the power dynamics in play, that the police would attempt to supress the press from documenting their activities in a volatile situation.

It’s not surprising, when you look at the power dynamics in play, that the UK Government has stopped follow on questions at their press conferences. That Boris tried to prevent his science advisers from answering a question about whether Cummings actions were wise. That the governemnt are trying to move us on to the next story.

Our awareness of their abuses of power threatens their power. Those in power will rarely explain their actions unless required to do so by law, or by public pressure. Especially when those actions might be even slightly controversial and threaten their power.

We must not give in to fence-sitting. Yes, revise your judgments when new evidence comes to light. But fence sitting aids those in power, and only ever those in power. It allows your voice to be silent. It makes it easier for those with power to go unchallenged.

The systems of power in the US, in the UK, are fundamentally broken. Citizens lack real power. They don’t feel they have a voice. Letters to politicans get explained away with platitudes or simplistic phrases that avoid addressing the actual problem. Their vote is meaningless thanks to gerrymandering of constituency / district boundaries that keeps the same two parties in a relatively comfortable back-and-forth meaning that those parties can look after themselves and their financial backers, with an occasional bone thrown to their voters.

And that’s before getting in to how changes that would remove power from those in power, that would make them more accountable, are usually heavily opposed by those in power and so… never happen.

No change for equality – be that black rights, gay rights, gender rights, or voting rights themselves has ever happened without violence being invovled in over-turning the system. And even those examples still need more work – as the US situation shows.

The US system has forced black americans to have another stab at demanding equality through riots.

The UK hasn’t had riots in a long time. And no-one wants riots. But when people are left feeling as if there’s no other way to get the systemic injusticies addressed…. perhaps they are, to turn a phrase, inevitable.

I’ve not provided any sources here. If you’re genuinely curious to learn about the history of Black Lives Matter, of how civil rights were actually achieved for minority groups, of how modern democracy in the US and UK is gerrymandered into an absurd caricature of how we’re all told it should be then google can help you learn.

PS: No, I’m not saying that I want a riot. Or calling anyone else to riot. I’m simply observing how violence has been a part of every system change so far. Maybe we can break the pattern. Maybe. But there’s a lot of examples of when the peaceful route didn’t work.

The music of my life

This is going to be a tour of the music that has defined parts of my life. As I sit writing this I don’t know how long it’s going to be. But I’m going to try. It’s going to be sorted into four stages of my life – childhood, early teenage years, late teenage years, and adulthood. Within the stage though there won’t be much chronology. Every song has a legitimate youtube video available. And where possible they’re also in the Spotify playlist. With one exception.

The Early Years

Peter and the Wolf – Sergei Prokofiev

I adored this as child. Part music part narrated music educational tool I’m not sure it belongs on this list, but I have such a resonance to it, as my parents had it on LP and I’d play this quite frequently.

Yellow Submarine – The Beatles

Really strong memories as a child of playing this on my parents stereo, a fantastic adventure taking me away from home.

When I’m 64 – The Beatles

This one reminds me of trying to learn to play it on Piano, and those years I spent learning to play…. mostly not getting good enough to be able to play much in the way of popular music.

Yesterday – The Beatles

Ok this is the last Beatles one. But this one has always always filled me with intense emotions. Longing for a simpler time before I had troubles. Even from a young age I was pining for simpler happier days.

Imagine – John Lennon

Ok so John Lennon solo isn’t The Beatles. Ok. Again though, it resonated with me from such a young age, hoping and longing for a time when everyone would be happy and just get along.

Don’t Look Back In Anger – Oasis

This song has an incredibly intense association with a pub in Happisburgh, Norfolk called The Hill House. They had, separate to the main pub a sort of converted barn that was a pool/games room. Had a separate bar available that was open for events but was usually shut. Anyway I associate this song so so strongly with that place because one time it was on the jukebox there and it’s just stuck with me ever since. It probably also helps that there’s a name connection in my head between this song and a family member.

Wild Rover – The Dubliners

Ok so this one I don’t recall as The Dubliners exactly. But I have a super strong memory of being with my parents at a pub called The Star Inn in Lessingham, Norfolk listening to a local band called The Cromer Smugglers – Folk and Sea Shanties were their repertoire. And this one was guaranteed to get the pub singing along. I banged the tables to hard during this song. It never fails to take me back to those nights in the pub with them playing.

Millenium – Robbie Williams

This takes me back, unsurprisingly to the turn of the millennium. I actually don’t like this song. But it always makes me think of the millennium, my visit to The Millennium Dome (as it will always be known to me) and so it makes this list… begrudgingly.

Angels – Robbie Williams

I loved this song. I wanted, needed what it promised. It still brings a tear to my eye, the feelings that it makes me remember from back in my childhood.

House of the Rising Sun – The Animals

The feeling of being ruined or broken, that resonated with me so much back then… and it still kinda does.

Barbie Girl – Aqua

I always loved this song, a severe guilty pleasure. Is it cheesy? Yes. Do I care? No. Enough said.

Complicated – Avril Lavigne

A song about frustrations, and things just aren’t working out, relationship wise. Like many of the songs here I still remember all the words.

Sk8er Boi – Avril Lavigne

This one tapped into my feelings about how unfair it felt, at the time, when I had no luck on relationships, and hoping that they would recognise that they’d picked the wrong person at some point.

Agadoo – Black Lace

Ah, middle school discos. I never did learn why we had to push pineapple to shake that tree! This always takes me back there. There were quite a few candidates from this band tbh but I think Agadoo has the strongest connection for me.

Girls & Boys – Blur

Girls who want boys who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they’re girls who do girls like they’re boys
Always should be someone you really love

Need I say more?

Heaven (Candlelight Mix) – DJ Sammy

This song. I was browsing the internet one day, some time after 9/11. And I came across a 9/11 memorial video that used this as its background music. That packed one hell of a punch that is still with me to this day.

Space Oddity – David Bowie

The legend. This song makes me long so much for space. For the escape it provides. And whilst I know it all goes wrong in the song, it’s still beautiful. And I think this song might be part of what inspired my interest in space travel

And I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues

Another song that takes me right back to a pub, and this time…. karaoke. I love everything about this song. Belting the words out at the top of my lungs (when not doing karaoke anyway).

Your Song – Elton John

Another song of Elton’s that takes me back to a similar time frame with again suppressed crushes and feelings and trying to let them out through this song.

Earth Song – Michael Jackson

My parents had the music video for this and I watched it so many times. The pain the earth is going through that it shows. Oof.

Danse Macabre – Camille Saint-Saëns

This wonderful wonderful tune always reminds me of Jonathon Creek and his windmill – what with it being the theme tune. Always puts me in the mood to watch an episode. Maybe the one with the painting in the locked room.

The Early Teenage Years

Where Is The Love – Black Eyed Peas

Particularly in my earlier years of this section, I felt this song really hit home about a lot of the problems in the world. Too much hate, selfishness and uncontrolled anger.

Lambada – Kaoma

Given my old username on several sites it’s probably a surprise to no-one that this made the list. It introduced an old late night (I think maybe the 1am slot?) talk show spot on Talk Radio (Which became Talk Sport). Mike Mendoza show was, I think, the presenter who used this as his intro music at some point. And it’s stuck with me ever since. And dear lord I wish I could dance like this!

Wonderwall – Oasis

Again an emotional connection to a particular memory. I loved this song from childhood. But it’s most associated with a throw away comment my Graphics Design teacher in high school made as a mockery of liking Oasis. It was meant in jest, but it stuck with me.

Nightswimming – R.E.M.

Nightswimming has both an emotional and physical connection. It’s my longing for the water. For peace. For tranquility that you only find I the dead of night. And the memory is of the only time I went swimming in my parents pool at night. It wasn’t peaceful – such was the nature of having guests over and the adults having had a lot to drink. We actually ended up singing Bohemian Rhapsody loudly at stupid o’clock in the morning so that a neighbour came out and yelled at us. But. But but but. despite that, this is still a song I associate with that memory. It’s the emotion and longing to do it properly that make it though.

Man On The Moon – R.E.M.

Another song that reminds me strongly of this period of my life. No particular memory for this one though. Maybe it’s because of the idea of moon landing conspiracies. I was quite into conspiracies back then!

Flowers In The Window – Travis

A strong memory of singing this in the car at some point with mum. I also just find it a really upbeat song. The music video though…. that’s… something I didn’t see until. much later. Probably for the best….

How You Remind Me – Nickelback

Another strong memory of singing this one in the car with mum. Windows down. Just singing to let the frustration out.

El Tango De Roxanne – Moulin Rouge

I was obsessed with this song, and still really really love it. The scene from the movie is also fantastically shot and staged. I remember distinctly listening to this on the way to school sometimes. The pain of having an unrequited crush.

Garçon – Koxie

I came across this song originally because a friend asked me to find it for her, and naturally I gave it a listen. I don’t speak French and certainly not well enough to understand it unaided, but when I looked up the lyrics it stuck with me – a woman basically speaking out at street/sexual harassment, which combined with the beats are some I’ve never forgotten. IT also helps that it reminds me of that friend.

Thank You – Dido

Again this song resonated with my so much when I was in high school. I’d be singing it to myself a lot. I can still feel the bleakness of the mornings and wanting the hope of someone making it worth it. Wishing for someone to call me.

White Flag – Dido

Another Dido one. A song I can remember belting out with my mum, usually changing the word ship to shit. Another one I’d sing to myself all the time at school due to the hidden unrequited crushes I had in my time there.

Life for Rent – Dido

I never really found a place that I call home. Oooof. Again a strong emotional resonance for me from back in this time. Not really feeling like I belonged anywhere.

Beautiful – Christina Aguilera

This song just… it hurts to hear. The video is so painful. I cannot overstate how much this song hits me right in the gut. And the song is still true. “every day is so wonderful. Then suddenly. It’s hard to breathe”. Just. Relatable. It also wasn’t until many many years later I realised just how LGBT focussed this video was (and including outcasts from society generally). And this was in 2002. How things might have been if I’d woken up then instead of burying things. Smash that fucking mirror.

Cleanin’ Out My Closet – Eminem

Being discriminated against. Never meaning to hurt the parents. Just. Emotions and feels. One of the few ‘rap’ songs I used to be able to sing all the way through. Maybe I still could.

Family Portrait – Pink

In our Family Portrait, we look pretty happy. This… this felt like my life. Pretty much every single line of it.

Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2) – Pink Floyd

This always reminds me of a story my mum told me about when she was teaching at a school for children with special needs, and they used this song in a school play. Bit of a controversial choice I’m sure. Also the video in the full film is haunting with the faceless children and the meat grinder. The official video I’ve found is, unfortunately less haunting, but still, it’s the song that makes me remember that anecdote.

All The Things She Said – t.A.T.u.

I have always had a habit of not being able to shift things out of my head – words said or heard. Actions taken or not taken. And this song just is that in music form.

Mid / Late Teenage Years

Every Time We Touch – Cascada

This I associate with Sixth Form College, and the very final years of High School. When I finally started finding a stable long term group of friends… up until we split ways to go to university any way.

Fascination – Alphabeat

Again I associate this one with the late period of High School, where I had finally found friends. I don’t think there’s a particular reason this one is associated with those feelings beyond just the time. But that’s enouhg of a reason I think to be included.

We Didn’t Start The Fire

I first heard this song during my Graphics Design course at High School. The teacher (yes, the same one from earlier) had us make a music video for this song by selecting editing and curating graphics from various sources. That was my introduction to this, and I loved the song immediately and still do.

Comfort Eagle – CAKE

A manifesto of sorts about the fairness of not only the music industry, but also in a way capitalism. To resist it is useless. To quote the song.

Suburban Knights – Hi-Fi

This takes me immediately back to the Sixth Form College discos we’d have at a local club we’d rent out. First place I heard this was on the dance floor with friends.

Living For The Weekend – Hard-Fi

As above. It takes me straight back to that place and time.

Rooftops – Lostprophets

Standing on the rooftops. Everybody scream your heart out. I used to want to do that. Sometimes I still do. This song is for those times. (Just a shame about the singer making me feel guilty for liking it)

Everybody Hurts – R.E.M.

This song. Oh god this song. It resonates down in my very core being. And the music video never fails to make me weep. Whenever things are bad this is one of my go to songs.

Stars Over Cloughanover – The Saw Doctors

This song just makes me want to go walking at night in the country, aimlessly. Escaping away from everywhere. Other people moving on to different things, but myself feeling comfortable where I am. That’s what I wanted. That’s what this song gave me. That’s something I still want to do

Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol

This song reminds me in particular of one crush I had. Just wanting to lay down with them looking up at the stars forgetting everything that’s wrong.

Tequila Boom Boom (Casamañana) – Los Del Rio

This is another song a friend introduced me to when she asked me to find it for her. And it’s been in my library ever since, reminding me of that friendship.

Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen

This song has one very very specific memory. English class, during GCSEs. The teacher was late. Myself and some friends did a one-line-each version of this whilst we were waiting. The teacher walked in just as I got to “I’m a sex machine ready to explode”….. it was funny at the time!

Destination Calabria – Alex Gaudino feat. Crystal Waters

Year 10. House Party. I was hosting for a friends birthday party. No parents. Just me, the dog, and lots of people and alcohol. I’d been up all night. It was silly o clock in the morning. I was in a stupor. The TV was on the music channels. And this came on.

It also has an association with a head shop called Ali Bongo that was, for a time at Snetterton Market and would often play it, but now as far as I know, only has their Norwich shop. Used to buy some good intense sticks and burners from there.

(Warning this is the explicit version of the video)

Don’t Dream It Be It – Rocky Horror (Picture) Show

The final soundtrack piece here. Honestly the entire floorshow, or even play/movie could be on here, but this is the most important bit from an emotional perspective. I remember seeing this for the first time watching it and just….. this is the point where I fell in love. Don’t dream it. Be it. (For those uing Spotify this song starts at 2:45. The soundtrack is cut illogically up 🙁 )

Sex On Fire – Kings Of Leon

This takes me back to Freshers Week, for the simple reason that I heard it So. Goddamn. Much.


All Day – Girl Talk

I can’t remember exactly when I heard this for the first time, but I’m 99% certain it was something that the YouTuber CGP Grey mentioned maybe on one of the podcasts he does. And it. Blew. My. Freaking. Mind. (For whatever reason this isn’t on spotify)

Viva La Vida – Coldplay

This takes me back to my sixth form days. I love the sound it’s just…. a beautiful production and every time I hear it I can feel those sixth form years coming back to me. I think the religious references also help it to resonate with the as whilst I don’t consider myself to be religious I’ve always had a fascination with religion.

Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of These) – Eurythmics

What’s not to love about this song? Everybody’s looking for something. Words that have resonated with me for a long time.

Well, that’s it. That’s the music of my life. There’s plenty I want to include – more soundtracks, more Queen… but I think these are the ones with the biggest emotional impact or the biggest link to the past. Thanks for going through this journey!


Sitting inside, the rain is pounding on the windows a slight chill in the air. The drumbeat is soothing, in a way. The glare from the lights and tv artificially brightens the otherwise dark room.

The door is locked. The chain is drawn. When did it last open? Time is blending, hours and even days becoming meaningless. I’m waiting. Restless.

The door doesn’t unlock. The drumming of the rain continues. Nothing ends.

In… 2… 3… 4…

Eyes closed, resting not scrunched. Breathe in….. 2… 3… 4….. Breathe out…. 2…. 3…. 4…

Focus on the physical. The feel of what you’re sitting on. The clothing you’re wearing. What smells there are. The noises around you.


In… 2…3…4…. Out… 2…3…4….

Move from the physical, to focus on the heart, beating in your chest. Breathe in time to the beats. Focus on the stomach, and any rumblings inside it. Feel the tension in your muscles. There will be some somewhere, there always is.


Your breathing will still be slow. Don’t check. That’s physical, and we left that behind long ago.

Move on from the body and focus on the darkness….

Reach in to it. And as you go in to it…. the expanse it contained opens up to you. Infinite. Darkness. Nothingness.



The office is stuffy and stale. The end of a working week filled with people and laptops, and the heat from a warm week. You pick up your bag and start walking to the exit. Down the quiet, but still warm, stairwell. Through the door.


The sky is grey, constant with many clouds. Or maybe it’s just one cloud. The air is thick with moisture. The clouds full. You can smell it in the air.

You walk to your car. The birds are chirping to one another. Warning one another.

You enter the car, slinging your bag onto the passenger seat. The birds are now silent. Starting the car, a long low rumble of thunder begins. You pull out and the first raindrops start hitting your windshield.

As you drive away the rain intensifies. The thunder keeps rolling on. The sky lights up.

You drive onwards, into the rain. Into the lightning. Into the thunder.

You are free.